I haven't cried yet. Maybe it's because I've been so busy that I haven't had time for the proper introspection that endings require. I went straight to work, then to volunteering in my department. I wrote a quick entry before socializing with my peers, and falling asleep on a couch that wasn't mine. It could be that I'm growing used to the whirlwind of life's changes-- which is to say that I am growing callous in all of the soft places that once defined me as a gentle, sensitive soul. But I haven't cried.
Life has been moving at a rapid pace. I work unpredictable hours at a full-time job in equally unpredictable EMS. I work a part-time job on my days off, and I teach whenever afforded the opportunity. I volunteer weekly within my department, I have a rich social life (when time permits), and I write. I have hobbies that enrich me, and dreams to chase. I carved out time for one person everywhere I possibly could because I thought I'd found something worthy of it. I'll never fail to make time for a person. I'm just done making time for games.
I don't think they were ever meant to be games. I doubt there was ever even the hint of ill intentions; he was a sweet guy. He was honest with me. But when actions say something completely different than words, it feels like a game-- and one you can never win. I honestly believe it was fear of the possibility of something real-- something that could have gone somewhere-- without first exploring the billions of other possibilities that exist in the world. But that's what I've found to be the purpose of relationships themselves. You don't have to plan out forever to decide that you like someone, or that you want to date them. You continually figure that out along the way.
I find myself still filled with mixed emotions, but I haven't cried. Maybe-- just maybe-- I'm finally growing up.
No comments:
Post a Comment